I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
