yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
