Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
