I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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