He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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