god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
