chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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