Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
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