Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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