I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
