i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
