Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
