im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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