coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We have so much sex to catch up on
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
