My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wish I only lived at night.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I got her a Nickelback box set.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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