I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
