that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
