Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
