i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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