wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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