you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
