she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
