when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
