Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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