I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
