My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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