I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
