All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
