im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
