Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
