I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
