Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
