my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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