I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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