i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
