The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
