I met the friendliest cop last night
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
