We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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