apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
