the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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