Acid is not a monday night drug
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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