she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
