i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
