I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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