the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
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