I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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