I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
