the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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