I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
