so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
